Doctor Neels' Baby and Child Care

I'm suffering with a teething baby. He's been a fractious infant and it has come to my attention that perhaps Betty Neels has some counsel and advice on the subject of babies. Let's see shall we?

• Dutch doctors are always good with babies. Often they are pediatricians (which career their glossy and suitable beanpole...er...fiancee finds icky). During ward rounds they can often be found with a 'grizzling' (British word alert!) baby tucked into the crook of their arm. This baby might have been having the fits of the damned for our plucky British heroine but when Professor Jonkeer Haso van Constantijn plucks the little blighter up all is peaceful once more.
  

Lesson: Pay a Dutch doctor to walk my halls at night.

• Often our heroine will meet a married couple who have a child or two. These children will be watched over by a devoted Nanny (an old woman (who Nannied our hero) barely fit for the glue yards...or her niece)--thus allowing the madly in love couple to dress up for dinner (in clothing that doesn't smell like vomit), go on the town (to a quiet night spot...a little dancing, some Sole Bonne Femme, conversation you can hear without resorting to a shout...nary a child in sight) and entertain friends and relatives (with a lot of cocktail parties). These mothers claim to dote on the little darlings.

Lesson: I would dote on my little darlings more if I handed them off to a much-beloved home help when I'm trying to apply eye liner.

• At home births. Betty Kylene has had two so this ought to appeal. I don't think I've ever read a Betty Neels where the charming (and well-rested) married couple cart a laboring mother to a hospital. Instead, the involved father, old Nanny, superfluous British heroine and midwife all conspire to usher in new life on a wave of fresh roses and free babysitting.

Lesson: Avoid taking my little one to the hospital as they are well enough to work in but dreadful on the nerves.

• Babies in a Betty Neels novel sleep a lot in their prams (British word alert!). If childcare is the heroine's job she manages to keep house beautifully while parking little Rosemary Daisy Buttercup in a pram under the window.

Lesson: Buy a new pram as my old one bears the ravages of three older children and countless trips to the beach...and those few (few!) times I have accidentally run over it with my car. Calling it a pram will soothe both the mother and the child.

• Betty also has plenty of overwhelmed mothers in her novels. Mothers of many children whose Nanny has up and left them or refused to get within chucking distance of the perishing terrors. But often, coddled new moms are entirely clueless on the subject of babies they have just delivered. The mothers will be well-meaning (but dumb as posts) and taken care of by briefly absentee fathers. There won't be anyone in the house but the new mom, the baby and the cook. How could things fail to fall down around their ears?

Lesson: Check out entirely as there will probably be someone along soon to change the nappies (British word alert!) when they've caused a crippling diaper rash.

Alright. I think I've got it. First, bag a Dutch doctor...