Betty by the Numbers: Ages Redux

As many of you know, I once lived happily ever after with a Jonkheer.  Sadly, last spring he surrendered his title, and his honor, as he sundered our union.  He is now known, on the rare occasions on which he is discussed in polite company, as Melville.  Having traveled the country solo, safaried a bit in Namibia and found myself a pretty little new home close to family, I am taking a look at candidates for fictional baronetcy via e-Harmony.  From time to time, the program offers me a look at a gentleman maybe four or five years younger than I, and each time I think, "No way would he be interested in me."  And almost each time, I further think, "Wow, he seems potentially nice."  Fortunately, almost no one who seems potentially nice ever comes up as actually a good fit, so I have little regret as I refrain from "smiling" at the youngsters.  Wish me luck -- I signed on for six months of matchmaking -- and let us all know what you think about age in love.  Here's a recap of what Betty seems to have thought:

The Unequal Marriage, by Vasili Pukirev, 1862

Wikipedia claims that average age at first marriage in the UK, as of 2005, was 31 for men and 29 for women, and in the Netherlands, as of some year later than 2000, also 31 for men but 28 for women.  However, in 1963 the UK’s averages were 22 for women and 23 for men – so perhaps Betty’s heroines weren’t completely bonkers when they started getting nervous about being single at 27.

The UK’s Office for National Statistics reports that 26% of 1995 brides married younger men (7% married men more than six years younger), a significant increase from 15% in 1963.  Germany’s Max Planck Institute, studying Danish marriages, found that a man married to a woman seven to nine years younger than he is 11% less likely to die prematurely than a man married to a woman his own age; a man whose wife is 15 to 17 years younger has a 20% lower chance of premature death.  However, the younger wife is more likely to die young – and women married to younger men (seven to nine years younger) have even higher odds of premature death.  Final serious-science note:  University of Colorado researchers found that in most marriages where husband and wife are significantly different ages, in either direction, both spouses are likely to have lower earnings – though the women make up for that by working more hours.

Does any of this sound conclusive to you?

We certainly know how Betty felt on age difference in marriage:  husbands should be at least seven years older than their wives.  That’s the age difference for four of her marriages; the widest gap is the 18 years between Mary Jane’s 22 and Fabian’s 40 in Winter of Change (1975), and the most common is in the ten to thirteen-year range.

Betty specified the exact ages of 92% (124) of her heroines, from Polly Talbot’s 20 (Polly, 1984) to Julia Mitchell’s 30 (At the End of the Day, 1985).  Just over 80% of them range from 23 to 27, with the greatest number, 25, clocking in at the high end of the range, at 27 years young, and the second-largest number, 22, coming in at the low end, having recently celebrated birthday 23.

On the men’s side, the youngster is 29-year old Ivo of The Fifth Day of Christmas (1971).  Thirteen of them claim 40 years in their dishes, but most – 37, or 36% of the 103 men with specified ages – are 35 or 36, with another 36 heroes aged 37, 38 or 39.  They’re all too young for me, according to the Planck people – or at least, they would be if I were Danish.  Certainly some heroes have prior marriages behind them, but on the whole Betty seems to believe that an ideal husband is mid- to late-thirties, and he should marry a woman in her mid-twenties.  May I confess I think 20 year-old Polly awfully young to be marrying?

Of those 102 marriages where I can arrive at an exact figure, because she gives the hero’s age instead of waffling about with a “well into his thirties”, the median age difference is 12 years.  (The one marriage where we get the hero’s age (34) but not the heroine’s is Amabel’s and Oliver’s in Always and Forever (2001).)  The majority, 56%, are in the 10-13 years-difference segment of the canon’s 7-18 year range

On a personal note, Melville was just over six years older than I, vindicating the Planck people's belief in a narrower margin.  I've suggested to e-Harmony that they aim from two years younger to 11 years older – here's hoping Betty’s recipe is right.

Betty by the Numbers: Marriages

Harlequin author Catherine Spencer has a story on the Harlequin website of a modern-day marriage of convenience – her widowed dental hygienist, with two young daughters, married the widower of her best friend, who had two young sons.  They thought it would be best for the kids, so they created a happy family for several years and divorced after the kids were grown.  Sounds better than Consuelo Vanderbilt’s experience in being threatened and emotionally blackmailed into marrying the Duke of Marlborough to satisfy her mother’s social ambitions – that marriage ended after two sons and eleven years, though the divorce didn’t happen for another 15 years, and then they managed an annulment five years after that, apparently on grounds that the bride married against her will and the groom did it for the money.  It makes a love match sound rather appealing, doesn’t it?

 

The Duke and Duchess of Marlborough, 1895 – the former Miss Vanderbilt needed the veil because, though famously beautiful, she is rumored to have cried throughout her wedding.

That said, any rich, Dutch doctor who needs a gracious hostess for his dinner parties and mousey Mama to his flighty late-wife’s children is welcome to call on me – assuming he doesn’t mind a little wear on the tires, if you will.  I am great at all that hostessing stuff, and Betty Beth has already volunteered to take the kiddies for a few hours a week, and I would be suitably appreciative – no gushing – of shopping sprees at Harrod’s and a devoted household staff.  (Drifts off into pleasant daydream....)

Actually, only one quarter of Betty’s marriages are convenient.  I tend to avoid the MOC stories, as the premise is so utterly and unbelievably unhappy to me.  “As I am now almost forty, and you are 26, we’re probably both willing to spend the rest of our lives without so much as speeding past the Brighton city limits.”  Oh, no, we are not, bucko.  We’ve never been there, and we understand that mutual affection, respect and a socking great allowance paid quarterly are important components of a successful union, but we’ve heard a few things about Brighton, and frankly it sounds worth exploring in the right company.  Anyway, it turns out I’ve been avoiding fewer books than I realized – and The Vicar’s Daughter (1996), which includes a MOC, was off the list anyway because I hate when the parents die in car crashes (sorry, Once for All Time).

My favorite marriage scenarios are the ones where he proposes near the end of the book, but not so near that we don’t get to see the wedding.  Cassandra by Chance (1973) is the first of seven – just 5% of the stories offer us an invitation to the wedding of two entirely happy, mutually loving people – but what a wedding: “on a cold blustery January day in the little village church on Mull... overflowing with flowers.”  The bride wears blue, to match her sapphire engagement ring.  (And seems to have her new mink coat on over the blue dress.  Am I misreading that?)  After a jolly reception at her sister’s, they change into sheepskin jackets and walk briskly up the hill to Ogre’s Relish, planning for a mixed half-dozen of baby ogres and ogresses.  Happily, there is no mention of awkward social moments with would-be suitor and minister Mr. Campbell conducting the service.

 

A sapphire-blue wedding dress – perhaps a skosh chilly for Mull in January.

 

This one will work well if he gives you an heirloom aquamarine.

If you haven’t read Philomena’s Miracle (1978) recently, do go back and tuck through those last few pages of wedding-prep and aisle-walk.  They really make a VHEA, although I do wish Betty didn’t harp so on our heroines’ looks, as if that were the primary and proper criterion for love.  If you’ve never read Philomena’s, you have a treat in store.  I’m less enamored of Eugenia and Gerard’s Heidelberg Wedding (1984).  Hands up who’d want to be proposed to, without warning, at the door of the chapel and swept in, handed a bouquet, and pointed toward the officiant.  We skip a lot of years after that, and then get four wedding scenes in ten books in 1997-2000.  Perhaps Harlequin/M&B was paying extra for satin and lace – and flowers.  Always flowers.

 The wedding chapel at Heidelberg Castle, pre-be-flowering.

With the usual caveats, I count 34 MOCs, or 25% of the 135 books.  Five of them take place early in the story, 23 happen about halfway through, and six occur toward the end – including that of the beautiful Sophie and her Rijk, who marry for convenience on page 137, and discover they really, truly do love each other on page 188, after rescuing a small child from drowning and freezing and straightening out all the confusion as to just what the curiously-likeable Irena means in Rijk’s life.

Given that seven marriages take place in the final paragraphs, that leaves 94, or 70%, to occur after the curtain falls upon our satisfyingly-snogging hero and heroine.  As the milkman in Last April Fair (1980) says “to no one in particular” after squeezing and wriggling past a blissfully-unnoticing Phylly and Pieter, “it’s a very good morning for some of us, and that’s a fact.”

While we have limited glimpses into their Afters, about 27 couples (MOC and non-MOC) show up in subsequent books, and 100% of them are blissfully happy together.  If I know anything about social sciences (and I don’t), that’s a statistically-significant sample.

Finally, let me quote from Kate Fox’s anthropological work Watching the English, recommended on this site by Betty Andrea, and many thanks to the said Betty for the tip.  Here’s Ms. Fox on weddings in England:  “We know that a wedding is supposed to be a joyous event, but in our usual Eeyorish fashion, we really see it as an ordeal, an occasion fraught with difficulties and dangers (or, as the ever-cheery Debrett’s puts it ‘a minefield for the socially insecure and a logistical nightmare for the organisers’ and, for good measure, ‘a source of inter-family tension’).  Something is bound to go drastically wrong, and someone is bound to be mortally offended – and because of our belief in the magical disinhibiting powers of alcohol, we know that the veneer of polite conviviality may crack, and the inevitable family tensions may erupt into unseemly tears and quarrels.  Even if stiff upper lips are maintained on the day, there will be grumbles and recriminations in the aftermath, and in any case, even at best, we expect the whole ritual to be rather embarrassing.”

According to Fox, the English practice “negative politeness,” which involves taking great care not to threaten the privacy of others.  This and other factors make them chronically uneasy on social occasions, like wedding receptions.  (“Positive politeness,” as practiced in the US and most western European cultures, involves seeking to include others in community – or invading their privacy.)

A Winter Love Story - 1998

It's never a good sign when even after reading a book several times (including THIS WEEK), you have to refer to your notes for the title. A Winter Love Story is not the most memorable book written by Betty Neels...but is it because of a lackluster title? Let's find out:

Claudia Ramsey (age 27) is a stunner. Her copper-haired beauty shines through a succession of deplorable outfits that feature such fashion statements as oversized pinnys and dirty sacks tied around the mid-section. As the story opens, she is to be found dusting Uncle Colonel William Ramsey's library. Or is the Colonel Uncle? At any rate, The Colonel is getting ready to bite the big one, but before he does, Dr. Willis has called in a specialist. Mr. Tait-Bullen (hereafter to be referred to as Mr. T-B(age 39)) is an imminent cardiologist - he recommends a triple by-pass, but The Colonel doesn't hold with such nonsense. He'd rather shuffle off this mortal coil than go under the knife. So he does. But not before Claudia has had a couple of opportunities to meet Mr. T-B. It's fortunate for Claudia that she has plenty of natural beauty - Mr. T-B only gets to see her in her eccentric work clothes, and he still can see her gorgeousness - even when she's filthy with dust or grimy with dirt from the greenhouse.

The Colonel announces to Claudia and her mum that he will be dying in a day or two, and would they please call Mr. T-B, he'd like to see him one more time. Mr. T-B drives down from London and chats with The Colonel about...lilies. The Colonel was spot on in his self-diagnosis - he assumes room temperature that very evening.

zzzz...oh yeah, A Winter Love Story. Right. Okay. Umm. The Colonel has left generous bequests to the family retainers. Claudia and her mum get 'shares' - which turn out to be worthless. The house is entailed to a distant relative. The Heir, Mr. Ramsey, is obnoxious (you were expecting different?)...he is not willing to share any of his inheritance with Claudia and Mrs. Ramsey - although he does give them orders: Fire the old Butler! Air the beds! Don't steal the silver! Claudia and the gang wisely ignore him...all the staff find new jobs, Mrs. Ramsey gets engaged to Dr. Willis and Claudia goes off to her fabulous new job in Southampton!

The Job at Ye Olde Geriatric Hospital is not exactly cushy. "It's not the cool hand on the brow kind of work - more like a charwoman - plastic pinnys and mops and buckets." Claudia, being Claudia, puts a brave face on it and cheerfully gets on with it. She does have a day off after a week which happily coincides with her mother's wedding. Mr. T-B has cadged an invite to the wedding...he'd like to see what's up with the beautiful Claudia. He neatly arranges to drive Claudia back to Southampton and sets up a date for her next afternoon off.

The date is pretty successful...Claudia eats with an appetite sharpened by the rather stodgy hospital food she's been stuck with. The after dinner conversation is a little one sided - Claudia wonders if she's boring Mr. T-B. 'I don't think that you will ever bore me...would you like to go out again?'

A few days later, Mr. T-B drops by Ye Olde Geriatric Hospital unannounced and asks our girl if she's happy where she's at. Claudia answers him honestly that working at geriatric hospital is absolutely grim. Mr. T-B offers an alternative. 'Will you marry me? I need a wife and you would have freedom, we laugh at the same jokes.' 'Gosh, that sounds so sensible. Just one thing...I don't know your name...'

Thomas(yes Mr. T-B shall now be called Thomas) tells Claudia that they can get married by special license just as soon as she works through her one week notice.

After the wedding Thomas takes Claudia to his home in London. It's beautiful, natch, but he really only has an aging Tony Danza, er...Cork, to cook and clean - with a little help from Mrs. Rumbold, the daily. Cork may be happy for his boss, but that doesn't mean he's ripe for the picking. Claudia recognizes his type and begins her campaign to win him over. She's quite practiced in the art of getting aging butler types to eat out of her hands.

Married life agrees with Claudia and Thomas. They get along just fine - he even goes along on the Deluxe Connubial Shopping Extravaganza and agrees to adopt a stray puppy that Claudia has rescued from the park.

With things going so well, what should happen next but a visit from The Woman Scorned. Honor Thompson envies Claudia and goes out of her way to be nasty. For any other new bride except Claudia this would be either a wake-up call or tear-inducing. Not Claudia...she takes all the drama out of Honor's snide comments and she's quite cheerful when Honor leaves. This gives us the best bit of the book: 'I hope you're grateful that I married you. She would have eaten you alive in a couple of years.'
Thomas is suitably taken aback at the lack of reproachful comment, coolness or sulkiness. He's married to a treasure. Even Cork is starting to appreciate her.

The hospital Christmas ball is a fine opportunity to re-gift Grandmother's pearls. Claudia is a bit disappointed that Thomas isn't giving her something he picked out, but her disappointment is short-lived. She's also a teeny tiny bit jealous of all the pretty nurses that Thomas dances with at the ball. She is mollified to learn that they are courtesy dances and that it's a tradition - not his idea. Claudia is beginning to be a little unsettled. Just a little. It's starting to seem like Thomas doesn't really need her companionship - he's spending more and more time either at work or in his study. He does take time off for a day trip with Claudia wherein they stop in a village and do a spot of house hunting, and by spot I do mean spot. They look at one cottage, Thomas realizes he's in love(with Claudia, and presumably the house) and makes an offer on it. No inspections for leaky drains or insects, nope, they look at ONE house and they're done. That's fiction for you. The real icing on the cake is when Claudia throws herself at Thomas and gives him a great big thank-you kiss. The End. I wish. Darn those page counts. It's only page 124 - there are SIXTY more pages to go, in which Not. Much. Happens.

Let's sum up:

• Christmas at the in-laws. It's lovely. A pretty snazzy kiss wherein Thomas nearly loses his control and Claudia enjoys it. It's page 142. That would have been a nice place to end.
• Contretemps in Hyde Park...while walking Harvey the Ugly Puppy, Claudia is threatened by rowdy youths. Thomas is Harsh, but then apologizes and tell her that he was angry because he was scared for her.
• Thomas gives Claudia a New Years Kiss. It stirs something in Claudia...His Sleeping Beauty was beginning to wake up. Frankly, another kiss or two and he could have sealed the deal. On page 159.
• It's time for a little muddle. Thomas is being a bit distant. If Claudia had read her Betty Neels, she would know that this IS A SIGN THAT HE'S IN LOVE. Alas, she hasn't.
• Thomas has to go on a trip to Leeds. When dropping off Claudia at her mum's, he JERKS BACK from her. Tears are fought off. Muddle, muddle, muddle.
• The Woman Scorned, Take Two. Honor implies that Thomas takes his sexy secretary on trips with him...and not just to take notes, if you get what I mean wink wink.
• Claudia calls his office and finds out that the secretary is indeed out of town. Which leads her to say "I hate him!", which leads to her realizing that she doesn't hate him at all, she loves him. Dang. There goes their open and honest communication. Because she'll have to hide her love away.
• Thomas returns early from his trip because he could tell from her telephone voice that something is wrong. Claudia makes a hash of explaining...Thomas might as well be Dutch - with all the icy anger in his eyes. He throws down a gauntlet...Claudia had better decide if she trusts him and if she is unhappy in their marriage. (Worst part of the book for me!)
• Claudia is horribly unhappy - and instead of having Thomas there to talk to about it, he's hiding out at work. She has Cork bring the Mini around and she drives through London traffic...and down to the cottage in Child Okeford.
• Thomas calls home, Cork is worried about the missus. Thomas races to Child Okeford to find her asleep on a kitchen chair.
• Muddles are cleared up, snogging engaged in. The end. For real this time.
  

Rating: Beautiful Woman Marries Rich Doctor!! News at Eleven!! Hmm...for the most part I found this book charming, but unfortunately it's rather forgettable, and really, that title doesn't help it a bit. It would have best been served by a handy application of a spanner - to tighten up the sagging prose - and then a hacksaw taken to the last 40 or 50 pages (or 60) . The thing I like best is how open and honest AND friendly the two protagonists are to each other - before they fall in love. Claudia is charmingly matter-of-fact and forthright - she readily apologizes when she makes a gaffe. When life throws her lemons, she makes lemonade. Thomas is friendly and kind and pleased with himself for marrying such a beautiful woman who is perfectly suited to his life. It takes AGES for the two of them to realize they are in love - (him on page 122, her on page 171) and they have a tough time making the transition from open and honest 'just friends'...which is really too bad - all it would have taken is a couple of satisfying snogs to break the ice (let that be a lesson to you...)...even after 30 years of marriage, I find a few satisfying snogs can clear the air better than an hour of discussion. TMI? After much deliberation I'm going to give this a boeuf en croute...no, wait...treacle tart...um...mince pies? Let's leave it at that, mince pies. It's not that it's a bad book, it's just that La Neels has done the same story many times and done it better. I do have this book review to thank for my now clean house...I spent lots of time avoiding writing (because I wasn't inspired at all) and doing other productive things like moving furniture and doing laundry.
Food: crab ravioli with ginger, breast of duck potato straws(twice), Brussel sprouts (at least twice), pear tatin with cinnamon ice cream, individual cheese soufflés, salmon en croûte, watercress salad, iced fruit cake with silver leaves, game soup, roast pheasant, chocolate pudding, turkey, braised celery (I just cannot make that sound good in my head), cranberry sauce, flaming Christmas pudding (forget it, I'm NOT making it!), smoked salmon, ham on the bone, stuffed eggs (are these the same as devilled eggs?), chicken pie, lamb chops, apple pie.

Fashion: She doesn't get to wear anything nice until her mother's wedding...before that she is usually to be found in working clothes...hair covered by a duster secured by a piece of string, a large print pinny several sizes too large, an old sack wrapped around her and topped with a jacket that is colourless with age, at the geriatric hospital she wears mud-brown dresses with a plastic pinny. At mum's wedding she wears a grey suit that's out of date with a grey beret. Her wedding outfit is a plainly cut dress and jacket of misty blue wool with grey velvet collar and cuffs. She is treated to the Deluxe Connubial Shopping Extravaganza at Harrod's and Harvey Nichols.

The End of the Rainbow - 1974

Oh my stars, I love this book. Poor little Cinderella...er...Olympia. The handsome, genial giant, Waldo. A cavalcade of aunts: the evil aunt, the not-related-but also evil aunt and the good aunt. The sullen step-daughter. Everyone has an their own long con...some work out, some do not. Here's a preview:

Aunt Maria: adopts Olympia as a toddler and cons Olympia into making a promise to be her slave for the rest of her natural life.
Elisabeth: plans to sweet-talk her way into marriage to Waldo, even though in the time he's known her, he's been married twice and had one child. She'll go to any lengths, including destroying Ria, all while conveying an air of sweetness and light.
Waldo: 1. Pretends that Ria is his daughter instead of the ill-conceived child of his younger brother. 2. Marries Olympia to take care of Ria and his household, causing her to trade slavery for a gilded cage. 3. Mysterious London connection.
Olympia: Falls in love with her husband and plans to hide it - forever if she must.

Our story opens with Olympia working as a slave...nurse...at Aunt Maria's nursing home. Aunt Maria runs a tight ship, and Olympia is lashed to the helm. Not only does she work there full-time for peanuts, but she has to work split-shifts and be on call every night. No wonder she's skin and bone. Aunt Maria even has her run errands during her "off" hours. Olympia seems doomed to a life of indentured servitude. The only loophole she has managed to negotiate is that she can quit working at the nursing home if and when she gets married. Like that's ever going to happen. The only people she meets are the geriatric patients and their occasional visitors.
Olympia plays a little hooky during her off hours (I'm not sure that doing what you want during your off hours constitutes hooky, but that's how Aunt Maria would see it...). After buying the first white sheets the salesperson shows her at Selfrdiges, she's off to the National Gallery to have a solitary look at the special exhibition. She's got to hot foot it, so as to return before she turns into a pumpkin...SPLAT! Enter Dr. Waldo van der Graaf - as stunning an example of Rich Dutch Docterness as she's never had the pleasure of seeing before. Olympia has done a face plant right at his feet. Shoot, I never catch a break! Dr. Hotty van der Hunkyness dusts her off and convinces her to stay and see the exhibit with him. After establishing the fact that she's not married. And so it begins.
Waldo (which is so not a name that comes to mind when thinking of hunky RDDs) has a knack for putting our girl at ease. He takes her to tea at Fortnum and Mason's and makes her comfy amongst the Givenchy scarves and crocodile handbags. Comfy enough to spill her life story.
Waldo and Olympia share a taxi back to the nursing home where she is dropped off and he rides off, into the sunset...never to be seen again?
Much to Olympia's surprise, Dr. van der Hunkyness is a friend of dear old Dr. Sims who tows him along to the nursing home a couple of days later. Olympia thinks that he's the nicest man she knows.

Waldo now starts dropping by with delightful regularity. His next visit is on the pretext of needing shopping advice - would Olympia come help him pick out a gift for his daughter? His daughter? Dang, he's married. No, no - his wife died a week or two after Ria was born. A fully kitted out dollhouse is chosen by Olympia - because it's something she would have loved as a child. How bleak was her childhood on Primrose Hill Road. It turns out Waldo has come over from Holland just to see Olympia...to offer her a job? He does have that 5 year old daughter - he must need a nanny. Too bad, that won't fulfill the terms of her servitude with Aunt Maria, it's marriage or nothing. Waldo squires Olympia around London for a couple of weeks, then takes her to visit his Aunt Betsy. A majestic and elegant woman, who endearingly confides that she buys her woolies at Marks and Spencer's too. Aunt Betsy leaves them alone for a few minutes so that Waldo can make an offer. Surprisingly, it's an offer of marriage, not a job offer. Olympia is understandably gobsmacked. This would get her away from her dismal life on Primrose Hill Road, but Olympia has qualms. What about the elderlies? Who will get up during the night and take care of them? Waldo promises to find a nurse to replace her.

Meanwhile, Aunt Maria is getting fed up with Olympia having a gentleman caller and tells Olympia that she's going to revoke dating privileges. Not going to happen. Waldo shows up and spikes her guns. Announces the engagement and the replacement nurse and tells Olympia to run and get packed - they're leaving right away! Aunt Maria has no choice...but she spitefully issues dire predictions before washing her hands of her. Olympia shows her backbone and snaps back. I've been working for years for little more than pocket money! Sadly, it only takes Olympia half an hour to pack up all her worldly possessions.
Waldo is appalled at the pittance Aunt Maria paid Olympia. That's hardly enough to keep you in stockings - or is it tights? No wonder you wear that old tweed suit all the time. Never mind the old tweeds now! Waldo has arranged for Olympia to stay with Aunt Betsy and to accept a new wardrobe (to be picked out at Harrod's). Waldo is taking Olympia out to celebrate, so girlfriend gets herself all gussied up. It's worth the effort - Waldo is not a stingy man when it comes to compliments - you look like a princess in a fairy story. Awww. It's time for some family jewels of the sapphire and diamond variety.

Dr. Sims gives away the bride, then it's off to Holland in Waldo's Lamborghini. Home to daughter Ria. Ria who looks at Olympia with unveiled hostility. This sounds like fun. Waldo gives the obligatory house tour and ends with an impersonal kiss and I hope you'll be very happy here.

Well, gosh...now that you put it that way...yup, it's a dawning realization. Too bad love isn't part of the benefits package. There's really not too much time to reflect on her love, before you can say Jack Robinson, in walks trouble. Trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with E and that stands for Elisabeth. Trouble all wrapped up in sweetness and light. Courteous, kind, cheerful, she's just like a sister to Waldo. Okay, that's just creepy...remember, she's playing a long con, it's been going on for years now. Elisabeth just comes off as an incredibly helpful friend. She is always stopping by and offering her services. Ria adores her - she's known her for her entire life. So, Elisabeth gets smiles from Ria while Olympia gets scowls, frowns etc...

Elisabeth has spoiled Ria - so Waldo tells Olympia that it's up to her to help change things. Yeah, that's going to go well - discipline a child who dislikes and distrusts you? Olympia takes it on, but she does hand the little brat...er...darling over to daddy to deal with at times. Good for her.

Things are starting to look up - Waldo wants to have a 'chat' about something...but then Elisabeth barges in...natch.

And now the plot thickens. Or the waters are muddied. Or something. Olympia is just conversant enough in Dutch to answer the phone when it rings. RING! The other party is female, English and has a pretty voice. She'd like to speak to the doctor, but on no account should his wife know about the call. Olympia tells Waldo about the call - but although willing, he'd really rather NOT tell her who the phone caller was. Olympia is rightfully miffed.

In the middle of the night, Olympia draws on her 'on call night nurse' background and hears some suspicious noises coming from Ria's room...it's Ria hurling her dinner. And then hurling again. Waldo and Olympia rush her to the hospital where she is whisked into an operating theatre to have her appendix removed. Little Ria is going to be fine - but what's up with Elisabeth? She assumed that at 1am she should have been called to be in on the drama.

Elisabeth is being a busy bee - giving Olympia helpful hints such as not bothering to knit a sweater for Waldo as he hates hand knitted sweaters. Olympia wisely ignores the advice and buys a boatload of yarn and a pattern. Waldo says there's nothing he'd rather wear, then rewards her with a fierce kiss. Editor's Note: I find Waldo's faith in Olympia's knitting ability quite touching. Frankly he's taking a bit of a gamble here - what if the sweater is hideous?

Back home Waldo takes another mysterious call. Olympia overhears, "Don't telephone here anymore...the risk is too great...I don't want my wife to find out." Wow. Just when she's starting to forget about Mysterious Phone Call from London #1. Mysterious Phone Call #2 is even worse. It's quite upsetting for our gal - and it's no wonder she is a little extra friendly to the housemen at the hospital. Waldo chides her a bit for chatting them up.

While Ria has been in hospital, Olympia has used her sewing skills to make a new outfit for Ria's doll. She puts it on a wee hanger and leaves it by Ria's bed - so she'll see it when she gets home...Imagine Olympia's surprise when Elisabeth gives Ria an identical outfit! Oh, Elisabeth, you dirty rat! Olympia puts it down to a cruel coincidence...surely Elisabeth, dear, sweet, Elisabeth wouldn't do something like that on purpose?

If that isn't enough, Waldo gets Mysterious Phone Call #3 and announces that he is going to London the very next day. Olympia wasn't raised by an emotionally distant aunt for nothin'...she knows full well how to hide her feelings. Waldo sort of offers to tell her why he's going (but he'd rather not), Olympia doesn't want him to tell her. She's imagining all the wrong things...and Waldo is as clueless as he is innocent. In a bit of a non-sequitur, Olympia asks him if he had ever been in love with Elisabeth. Good lord, no!

It's just as well, because Olympia is starting to get a bit suspicious of Elisabeth. Elisabeth not only pulled a fast one with the doll clothes, she also was misleading about the sweater issue and now she gives Olympia another bad piece of advice about spring cleaning. Elisabeth also manages to lurk around the house so as to be at hand when Waldo returns gets back from London. Waldo passes right by her and greets his wife first. He hasn't come back alone...he's hauled Aunt Betsy back too! Yay! Aunt Betsy is no fan of Elisabeth's - and the feeling is mutual. Elisabeth makes herself scarce for a few days. But like a bad penny, she turns up...at Olympia's first dinner party. Yes, she is an invited guest, but had it been me, I would have given her a pat on the back...only with my foot instead of my hand, and a few vertebrae lower. She comes in slightly late and proceeds to tear Olympia to ribbons. In a very 'sweet' way.

*How nice you look in the van der Graaf corals...translation: Those corals should be mine! All mine!

*I thought Waldo was never going to give them to you...translation: If I was married to him, he would have given them to me at the wedding.

*It must be difficult for you, learning our way of life...translation: White Trash!!

*Ria is such a naughty girl not to like you...translation: Loser!

The really unpardonable thing about this whole episode is when Waldo takes dear Elisabeth home after the party because she is upset - she always was a sensitive girl.

Grrrr.

Olympia is so incensed she takes off the van der Graaf corals (why couldn't it have been diamonds...or rubies...or sapphires? Coral just doesn't sound as classy) and gives them back. She obviously isn't worthy of them.

Wouldn't you know it, a Mysterious Letter from London shows up in the morning post. Just what she needs!

Aunt Betsy is driven in some state to Schipol - and Ria throws a monster tantrum on the way home. Being a stepmother is just not getting any better. Ria is still resentful and sullen. Editor: In my experience five year olds just don't have that kind of commitment to a grudge, not that kind of attention span. Of course, Elisabeth is whispering sedition at every opportunity.

Waldo clears up a little misunderstanding...Ria doesn't miss her mom - her mom died when she was only a week or two old. Oh, and by the way, he, Waldo, is not her father. He's never told anyone else...Olympia can see that someone else is listening at the door. Waldo walks out, and in walks...yes, it's Elisabeth. She is all sweetness and light. Just thought I'd drop by and take Ria shopping. We'll only be gone a little while.

The little while turns into a long while...Olympia finally puts in a call to Elisabeth's house. Her mum tells her that Elisabeth has gone...wait for it...wait....she's gone to....BELGIUM!!!!!! As we have demonstrated time and again on TUJD, Nothing good comes of rich Americans, skinny finacees or trips to Belgium. Frankly this is the last we'll see of her...but like a bee who has left it's stinger behind, the poison is still pumping. Elisabeth has told Ria the facts of her parentage and told her to run away. Yes, you heard right...she encouraged a five year old child to run away.

Olympia finds Ria... and then they are found by Waldo...who thinks that it was Olympia who did the dirty deed. Why? Elisabeth's stinger. She slapped on the lies with a thick trowel before high-tailing it to Antwerp.

Now is the hour of Olympia's despair. Ria is finally coming around to liking her stepmom, but Waldo doesn't want the recent unpleasantness mentioned - so he is laboring under the misapprehension that Olympia told Ria and caused her to run away. The big problem for him is that in spite of all this, he loves his wife. There's only one thing to do. Take the family to London. Where Ria blurts out the truth to Aunt Betsy.

Best lines in the book:

Him: I deserve to be shot!

Her: Yes you do!

One more mystery to clear up - who is the mysterious woman with the pretty voice? It's none other than Mrs. Doreen Betts. No longer young, dumpy and married. Say what? Mr. and Mrs. Betts are the new caretakers at the nursing home on Primrose Hill Road. Waldo bought out Aunt Maria (who unfairly gets to retire to a villa in Spain, instead of the Black Hole of Calcutta) and has been improving the nursing home - using all of Olympia's ideas.

And now some kissing -a satisfying and lengthy operation. A gleam in Waldo's eye, implied conjugal relations...The End.
Rating: Gosh, this was great. Waldo is charming. He grins, he smiles, he beams. All at Olympia, and all before he knows he's in love. Olympia is pretty great herself. She has been trod upon by Aunt Maria for so long that you could excuse her if she didn't have a spine...but she does. Her spine gets spinier and spinier throughout the book...natural progression. Elisabeth is deliciously evil...she is described as 'a snake in the grass' which sums her up pretty well. Lashings of Whipped Cream.
Food: Steamed pudding, Gateau St. Honore, a mug of cocoa, Marmite sandwiches, ratatouille, Charlotte Russe, salmon steaks with herb butter, apple pie twice, turbot decorated with lobster coral?
Fashion: Waldo buys our girl THREE coats: cashmere, velvet and mink! Two-year old tweed suit made of a material that refused to wear out, leather gloves, apricot wooly bought at Marks and Spencer, a brown bow to set in front of her bun of hair, red corduroy shirtwaister.