Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Betty Neels on the subject of Parenting

Much has been brought up recently on Neels treatment of child - adult relations. We feel it incumbent upon ourselves to discuss the realities of child-rearing with our readership. We are Mothers who Know, because we're lousy (choose your definition: a)amply supplied, b)full of lice or c)terrible...) with children.
Anyone can raise perfect children! Just follow The Betty Neels Method! Here are a few examples of her brilliant guidelines for childrearing:
  1. Bedtime is 7:00pm. Or earlier.
  2. Always have a live-in nanny. Always. Nanny will be in charge of the children - making sure they do their homework and eat their vegetables. Nanny will also take care of your children's clothes - keeping them clean and mended. Age is not an issue. The older the better.
  3. Nanny can't do everything. You will also need a cook, a housekeeper (these may be combined in a pinch), a strapping young woman or two who come in "daily" and an older woman who will come in two or three times a week to do the "rough". A curmudgeonly gardener is also a must, as is a chauffeur, but only if you meet a down on his luck Cockney or someone who spent WWII hiding beneath someone's floorboards.
  4. For family fun, a Monopoly set, Scrabble, and playing cards so that you can play fun games such as "Happy Families" and "Racing Demon".
  5. Must have at least 2 pets. More is better. Preferably pets that have been rescued from a filthy canal, or from the knacker.
  6. Children are like vegetables, best grown in the country. Commute if you must.
  7. Boats. You must own and operate either a yacht or a botter. If you don't know what a botter is, you may not have children.
  8. Potty-training. See #2.
  9. Never question your children. They will come to you when they are ready to confess. I mean, own up.
  10. If you are divorced, tell your children their other parent is dead, it's just easier.
  11. Have twins whenever possible. Especially if you are getting long in the tooth.
  12. Make sure you are fabulously wealthy - but please, whatever you do, be tasteful.
  13. Never discuss your children with your spouse. This might be construed as "snitching" or "telling tales". Do not tell tales...go to your grave rather than reveal casually mentioned indiscretions.

17 comments:

  1. I am NOT having twins. I refuse.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ah, but you realize those are all the rules for Children Born Before HEA. For Children Born of a Couple's HEA (BOACH children), see all those books from the mid-70s where various couples know each other and thus a newly married-of-convenience couple can visit another already-very-happy-if-you-know-what-I-mean couple and meet their stunningly blue-eyed baby.

    Here are some rules for BOACH children:

    1. BOACH Children will be both beautiful and beautifully behaved. Only a discrete amount of spit-up is permitted for infants. Potty training is dealt with offstage. (See #2 above.) School-aged children are obedient without being Stepford offspring.
    2. Papa is mysteriously no longer traveling to foreign countries as much (perhaps because he's found what he was looking for?) or if he is, BOACH Children are perfect travel companions.
    3. Rules 2-8 above apply, with possible exception of #6: if Papa already has gorgeous Georgian town home in London, it is in a part of London with all the advantages (quiet tree-lined street, gated-park nearby, all necessary servants) and of course is already large enough for children, nanny, etc. Thus will be like living in country.
    4. Somehow BOACH Children are both evidence not only of (*cough*) marital intimacy but also of complete and utter harmony in the parents' relationship. Thus, although stupid misunderstandings and lack of communication were necessary to keep Mummy & Papa apart before the children were born, and despite the fact that children have hyper-awareness of adults' weaknesses, the parents are now a seamless unit with perfect accord on all matters child-related. Without, mysteriously, being Stepford Parents.

    Simple, no?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Betty Rebekah: Lucky for you, you're not "long in the tooth" yet.

    Betty Magdalen: Well spotted. I still think that no matter how gorgeous their Georgian (or Regency) town home in London is they will have at least one refuge in the country. Probably near their yacht or botter.

    ReplyDelete
  4. But do you ever notice how our heroes' sisters are in loving marriages but have terrible children and rotten parenting styles?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Betty Keira -- or their husbands are in South America, or the sister gets sick, or something. Clearly the sisters' parenting skills aren't as good as Neels' heroines' parenting skills.

    Betty Debbie -- At least one country house. Maybe one within a couple hours of the city, then one in the Netherlands, and a cottage in Scotland. The one in the Netherlands is close to the botter.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The house an hour or two from the city would have the de rigueur donkey and perhaps an aged horse or two that are just right for small persons to learn to ride on.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh, and this is slightly off the topic of children, but never ever in the Betty Neels canon does anyone ever have the Two House Problem. Back when I was married to the "rich" husband, we had two houses, the one I live in now (the country/weekend one) and the townhouse in Philadelphia (it sounds grand and it wasn't, trust me).

    The Two House Problem (as in "I'll take First World Problems for a thousand, Alex") goes like this: no matter what you're looking for, it's in the other house. But of course, if you stop looking for it in this house, it won't be in the other house and you'll realize that it must actually have been in the house where you first missed it, you just assumed it was in the second house and so stopped looking too soon.

    Oh, and Henry and I had one extra wrinkle to the Two House Problem: the Seven and a Half Bathrooms Problem. The house in Philly (which Henry now owns) had three full bathrooms simply because it was the part of the former Annunciation BVM convent where they could put three bathrooms. And this house used to be a bed & breakfast, so it had 4 1/2 bathrooms. For two people with normal physiology, 7 1/2 bathrooms is far too many.

    Okay, so the Two House Problem is *not* really a problem. (Like, "ooh, it's so hard being gorgeous and slender" is not really a problem either.) And it worked out well for when we divorced, because we each got one. But Neels' heroes & heroines gad about with their various homes in separate countries, even, and never ever once does someone say, "Dang, I think I left my favorite Makita cordless screwdriver at the other house..."

    ReplyDelete
  8. First, the Makita never leaves the body as there is a holster for it--and by 'it' I mean both.

    Second, maybe he will develop irritable bowel syndrome and need 7 and a half bathrooms. Or decide to create a...um...Mary Jane growing empire. 7 bathtubs could hold the potted (pun SO intended) plants. These things could come in handy.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You guys are so silly. The Makita would stay at the office...for use in surgery. (Our guy would obviously be an orthopaedist.)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Betty Debbie -- that's just so witty. Witty Betty Debbie. It trips off the tongue.

    As for the bathrooms, Henry uses one for himself, one for guests, and one is a staging area for when he's painting things (like rooms and cabinetry). We took one of the B&B bathrooms out, and it's now a windowless "library" for Betty Ross's first editions. (Quirky, I know.)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't know about quirky - after all, many men do a lot of reading in the loo (I suppose without the plumbing it's a wee bit safer for precious books)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Okay, this is all hilarious! I am mad now that I am new to Betty. I have been missing out all these years!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm so stinkin' jealous that you have all of Betty before you! And welcome, Betty Hausfrau--love the name.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I love Hausfraus! I hope one day to be an official Hausfrau :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. New(ish) to Betty Neels books. I live in the states and I'm wondering exactly what a jersey dress is???? Is any dress that is a pull-over a jersey dress? Our authoress has written of many jersey dresses but in different materials so that tells me it isn't limited to a specific material...........

    A. Nonny Moose

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wikipedia:
    Jersey is a knit fabric used predominantly for clothing manufacture. It was originally made of wool, but is now made of wool, cotton, and synthetic fibers. (Whole article in the link.)

    Silk too, as we know from reading The Great Betty's works.

    ReplyDelete