Betty and the Art of Automobile Maintanance

In an interview with Mills and Boon, Betty Neels was asked, "What is the one thing you've always wanted to do, but never had the courage to try?" Her answer? "Drive a car."

To many of our readers, this may seem a little surprising...or maybe not. La Neels fascination with cars is semi-legendary (who could forget the AC 428 Fastback from Nurse Harriet Goes to Holland?) - she often had an interesting way of describing drivers of autos. Professor Doctor Jonkheer van der ter Ajnaarn would never drive other than in a calm masterful way. No road rage, no impatience, no accidents and he reverses with confidence. Miss Araminta Susannah Amabel Darling might or might not be able to drive. If she does drive, she might or might not drive well. If she DOES drive well - either her father or the village blacksmith taught her. That said, never (no, never) does Missy do anything with her car other than drive.

Sure, in the house she is fully capable of changing a plug, doing some basic plumbing and making a cordon bleu dinner with nothing but leftovers, but when it comes to cars, they may as well be computers.

I'm not going to judge Betty on her lack of auto skills. It's hard to acquire skills without practice. I remember the first time I had to pump my own gas (we Hanna Bettys all grew up in Oregon - an anachronistic state in which you are not allowed to pump your own gas) - I was sixteen years old and had no idea of what to do. After sitting at the pump for 10 minutes or so (and watching with amazed horror the other drivers who came and went...without the gas station attendant). I finally got up the nerve to ask another driver what was going on. Imagine my surprise...it was legal to pump your own gas!?! Not only was it legal, but I was at a "self-serve" island. Yikes. I managed to do it...spilling a modicum of gasoline on the pavement. More than 30 years later, I am fully capable of pumping my own gas. How are your auto skills?

Let's review our automobile proficiency:

Mobile phone. A Bettys best friend on the road. Maybe. Do you:

• a)talk or text while driving
• b) use a bluetooth headset
• c) carry the phone for emergencies
• d) read Betty Neels by the light, because you don't have a booklight with you.

Scoring.
a= 0 points. This is illegal in Betty Debbie's state.
b= 20 points. It would be more, but frankly, Betty thinks you look a bit like a Borg wannabe.
c= 50 points. Good for you. 25 extra points if you have a charger in your car.
d= 100 points. Okay, I'm just saying this to give me extra points...because I've done it (as a passenger).

Oil Light. When it comes on do you:

• a) do your make-up by the rosy glow
• b) ignore it, it's just a little light
• c) tell Professor Doctor Jonkheer - let him deal with it
• d) change the oil yourself
• e) tell your teenage son to take it down to Jiffy Lube and deal with it

Scoring:
a = 5 points. You'll want to be looking your best when the engine dies.
b = 5 points. At least you won't have any extra worry lines....
c= 10 points. At least it is getting taken care of.
d= 50 points. You go girl. Deduct 10 points if your neat manicure is ruined.
e= 100 points. What? 100 points. Hey, you've invested body, soul and the best years of your life into this solution. Plus, I've done this.

Your automobile has just broken down on an isolated stretch of road in the Scottish Highlands. Do you:

• a) break down and cry.
• b) open the hood and try and assess the problem.
• c) try calling for help on your mobile phone.
• d) walk to the nearest croft and convince Farmer Hamish McScotsman to go for help.
• e) sit tight and wait for a hunky Dutch Doctor to rescue you.
• f) lean against the car and hike your skirt. (thank you Betty Kylene)

Scoring
a= 10 points. This is a reasonable first step.
b= 25 points. An extra 75 if you can actually figure out what's wrong.
c= 10 points. Good try, but of course there isn't any cell phone coverage.
d= 50 points. An extra 50 points if you are wearing sensible lace-ups.
e= 0 points. Really? Really? These books are fiction, girls.
f=50 points. You recognize your limitations and make the most of what you do have. Fine legs.

How did you do? Do you need to take a course in autos?