Betty and Independence Day

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July here in America...shhhhhh. On that day we celebrate the signing of The Declaration of Independence, a document about which I am enthusiastically un-nuanced (go liberty!) and about which La Neels was happily mum (whew).

Let's don the Betsy Ross bifocals and see if we can't Betty-up the preamble at least:

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one Rich Dutch Doctor to dissolve the engagement bands which have connected them with a skinny blonde named Nerissa, and to assume, because his eye was caught by a mousy Araminta, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, the gentlemanly thing to do requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Rich Dutch Doctors are created equal, unless they belong to the adel in which case they are Barons, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and Junoesque hotties or short, plump homebodies. That to secure these spouses, great socking Bentleys are instituted among men, deriving their just horsepowers from the consent of the wooed. That whenever any skinny blonde becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the Olivias and Aramintas to 'open up a can', and to institute new engagements, laying its foundation on the shrunken rubble of the skinny blonde's avaricious aspirations for their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, Mathilda, Euphemia, Hannah or Augusta, will dictate that engagements long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, and tepid kisses and catty remarks and neediness and regarding the medical profession lightly, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute domestic despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such engagements, and to provide children (because you so know Nerissa isn't going there) for their future. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these Rich Dutch Doctors; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former engagements. The history of the present King of Great Britain...ahem...Skinny Blonde... is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these RDDs. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

I just knew Betty would love the Declaration!